


the dark day is slowly lighting up

by hak22



Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurity, Lee Eunsang-centric, Multi, Platonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, other trainees - Freeform, the members try to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-09-06 04:23:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20285344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hak22/pseuds/hak22
Summary: lee eunsang had been congratulated numerous times for being the x and debuting in x1 but why didn’t he feel happy ?orin which eunsang questions his position and value in x1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first x1 fic and i wrote it while waiting for their debut so please enjoy and tell me what you think

the debut evaluations had lasted 4 hours and eunsang could feel the tiredness start to overwhelm him. he needed to go home and sleep in his bed right now but unfortunate for him, he was stopped once again. this time it was by his label mates, sihun, junghwan and seongjun. 

eunsang failed to make eye contact with them.

he had broken their promise of debuting together and made it to the final stage alone. 

seongjun, being the eldest of them all, spoke up first. 

“eunsangie, what’s with the long face?”

“aren’t you happy that you debuted?” junghwan followed on. 

“no no no, of course i’m happy, it’s just that- i- i don’t know” eunsang spoke in a defeated tone. 

“eunsang, tell us what’s on your mind, we’re always here for you” 

sihun’s voice had always been so sweet and calming for eunsang, as soon as he heard it he’d give in to the requests that were demanded, whatever they may be.

“it’s just that- i’m tired” 

“are you sure it’s only that ‘sangie?” seongjun’s spoke in a delicate tone which made eunsang want to cry so that’s exactly what he did. 

“i- i’m sorry” eunsang managed to get out in the midst of his sobbing. 

“we promised to debut together but- but i’m the only one who made it. i’m so sorry hyung, i want you guys there with me but i-” 

the four brand new music trainees huddled together in order to comfort one another. 

no matter where they would end up in the future, no matter where their story led them to, they’d always be one friendship group and that would never change. 

“eunsang, we’re always here for you and we’ll forever love you, you are our friend now and you’ll be our friend even in the future, we’ll never let you go-“ sihun paused for a second and took a deep breath before continuing, “we’ll wait for you”

“when you’re really struggling, always find us okay? we’ll never leave you behind, yeah?” seongjun spoke in a timid voice, scared that if he’d speak any louder he’d shatter eunsang’s heart beyond repair.

junghwan was the last to speak. 

“don’t worry about us sangie, we’ll be fine, we just want you to be happy and that’s enough, you are the x and you deserve the x” 

“yeah you’re basically half of x1, you are powerful eunsang” seongjun added on with a smile. 

the four best friends laughed with each other before sihun wiped the tears that remained on eunsang’s face. 

“go back home and rest okay, tomorrow you’ll have to move into the dorms and it’ll be even more tiring so rest well okay?” sihun spoke in a motherly tone.

eunsang nods.

“we’ll be on our way now, be proud eunsang” 

they said their goodbyes and eunsang stood there for a while, watching the backs of his hyungs as they left. 

every memory he shared with them flashed before his eyes. 

eunsang remembered the first evaluation when the four of them performed go get her and how they all hoped to get A but of course they all didn't manage to get that grade. 

he just wanted to go back to those days so they could have practiced even harder for them all to get grade A. 

all he was left with were regrets and he couldn’t help but think whether he was really needed in x1. 


	2. Chapter 2

it was now the next day, eunsang had prolonged his stay in his bed but now it was time to get up. 

he had to move into the x1 dorm by today and since he had packed yesterday he didn't have to do much. 

he had been putting the thought off for so long now, he didn’t want to see the rest of the members. 

he was scared of witnessing the look of disappointment on their faces when he walked into the dorm instead of someone they wanted. 

wooseok wanted jinhyuk, so did all of the other members, even eunsang wished that jinhyuk could have been the x.

hyeongjun and minhee wanted the rest of their starship friends. 

hyeongjun also wanted minkyu there. 

junho wanted yunseong there and minhee probably wanted that as well. 

they had never actually told them this but eunsang still believed he wasn't wanted.

he thought that not a single person in x1 would have preferred eunsang as a member. 

hell he probably wouldn’t have been their second, third or fourth choice! 

eunsang had carved that thought into his head and hadn’t made any efforts in changing it. he firmly believed that he wasn’t wanted. 

eunsang had overlooked his members happiness for pity.

he had beat himself up over and over again. 

he knew the fans hated him, they didn't want him there. 

they wanted the handsome minkyu or the talented jinhyuk. 

they just didn't want him. who would even choose him?

he had barely managed to make it to the final lineup. 

eunsang was aware of all the hate comments that were directed at him.

he read them at night or when he messed up and he simply agreed with whatever it said.

eunsang's thoughts had consumed him to the point that he hadn't realised he had spent an hour just in bed thinking. 

it was time for him to get up so he did.

with a heavy heart and an even heavier head eunsang got up and took a shower.

\- ϟ -

it was 10 am when eunsang arrived at the dorm. 

he thought arriving early would mean that no one else would be there and he was right. 

the dorm was absolutely silent when eunsang had walked in. 

none of the members had gotten there, not even their managers. 

eunsang wandered around the entire dorm before picking a random room and sitting down on the bed. 

he had texted his friends at brand new music that he had reached the dorm and set his phone down. 

eunsang stared at the blank wall in front of him and thought to himself about how he didn't have any friends in x1. 

they were his coworkers, nothing more and nothing less. 

they didn't like him. 

and that finally set in as the rest of the members came into the dorm in groups. 

he was the only one to come in alone. 


	3. Chapter 3

the members hadn’t actually planned to come in groups. they all initially travelled to the dorm alone but upon reaching the place they had coincidentally met up with the other members causing them to walk into the dorm at the same time. 

eunsang had misunderstood the situation but no one knew of his feelings to even begin explaining what had actually happened. 

eunsang was a ticking time bomb who kept his feelings under wraps. 

it was unknown when he would blow up and how much of a devastation it would cause. 

would it be a small earthquake or would it shake their idol world to the core? 

as of now, the members had no clue and neither did eunsang. 

by now eunsang had come out of his chosen room and stood in the doorway watching his members interact with one another. 

they all had smiles on their faces as they spoke with each other. 

they looked genuinely happy, just the 10 of them, as if they didn’t need an eunsang in their lives. 

he could see how seungyoun’s eyes had turned into crescent moons and how his teeth were on full display.

junho had been long over his robot days and looked so carefree, he was glowing with happiness. yunseong had told eunsang to take care of junho but he didn’t need him. he looked fine without eunsang. 

minhee had hyeongjun to care for him, he didn’t need eunsang. 

dongpyo had seungwoo, dohyon had hangyul and seungyoun. 

eunsang was just there. 

he didn’t need to take care of anyone and there was no one to take care of him. 

who would wipe his tears at night when they can’t stop falling? 

who would rub his back and tell him it’s okay when he makes a mistake? 

who would give him a hug whenever he feels like he can’t go on anymore? 

no one. 

that was the simple answer. 

he didn’t have anyone. 

despite being part of the maknae line and being the third youngest in the group eunsang was aware of the fact that no one simply cared for him. 

he overlooked how seungwoo would always glance back at eunsang to see how he was doing. eunsang thought he did that to everyone but if he looked closer then he would find that seungwoo focused on him more than he thought. 

he was broken out of his thoughts by the mentioned man. 

“hey eunsang, what are you doing standing there? come sit down and join in the fun,” seungwoo said while giving his ever so famous smile. 

sometimes eunsang wished they were more than coworkers and they could actually be friends. 

“of course, h-hyung,” eunsang spoke in a quiet voice. 

he struggled to call seungwoo hyung, he didn’t feel like he deserved to call him that. he had stolen the x place from seungwoo’s friends. there’s no way seungwoo would like him after that. 

eunsang hesitated while sitting on the sofa, he left quite a distance between himself and wooseok, he was afraid of what the latter would have to say if he sat any closer. 

but to eunsangs surprise wooseok pulled him in to sit closer and they all went back to the conversation they were having. 

eunsang was in a state of shock at what had just happened. he was expecting wooseok to shout at him for sitting too close to him but instead he had pulled him closer. 

it didn’t make sense. 

he was supposed to be hated, why didn’t they hate him? 

maybe they did but he had thought they were being kind. 

maybe they did hate him but we’re putting up a show in front of him. 

they probably talked about their shared hatred for eunsang when he left the room, he was sure of it. 

there was no way possible that after all eunsang had done the rest of the members would like him. 

eunsang deserved to be hated and he himself knew it the best. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey oneits ,, i hope you’re enjoying the book, please give me your feedback !! 
> 
> anyways x1 are debuting soon akdkakd here we come roty, soty and aoty


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oneits ,, x1 have officially debuted and i'm so happy, i wish them good things for their future !!!  
anyways, i hope you enjoy this chapter.

the members were currently sitting around the dining table eating dinner, chattering could be heard amongst them.

and through all the noise, one member sat there in silence, just thinking.

it had been a week since x1 had officially debuted.

a week of eunsang going on his posts on their fancafe and twitter and looking at the replies. 

there had been a lot of positive responses; 

**eunsangiebestboy; **who allowed him to look this good i-

**eunsangsbiggestfan;** i love his hair so much 

**loveeunsang; **he looks so preciousss

but despite the presence of supportive comments, eunsang's fragile mentality caused him to focus on the negative ones instead. 

**hater1; **okay but x1 would have been better if eunsang wasn't there

**hater2; **@hater1 ikrr i can't stand the sight of him

eunsang couldn't either.

he couldn't stand the sight of himself. 

who allowed him to be here in the same existence as the beautiful and talented x1 members. 

**hater3;** he lacks so much wth ,, the others are so much better

eunsang was completely aware of this.

he knew he could never compete against the other members. 

he was mere dust compared to them. 

he didn't deserve to stand next to them and claim to be a member of the same group.

he didn't have the talents to be in the group.

eunsang hadn't realised the conversation die down. 

he didn't feel 10 pairs of eyes filled to the brim with worry staring at him. 

he didn't hear seungwoo calling out his name. 

he could only hear the comments of his haters mocking him. 

_you're not good enough._

_x1 is better off without you. _

_i can't stand the sight of him._

eunsang couldn't even differentiate his thoughts from the negative comments anymore. 

they all sounded the same now. 

"-sang" a voice broke eunsang out of his trance. 

he looked up to see all of his members looking at him. 

they were all judging him, eunsang thought. 

he had destroyed the happy atmosphere because of his stupid thoughts. 

"eunsang, are you feeling well?" seungyoun asked in a quiet voice. 

"of course hyung, i’m fine, i was just thinking," eunsang responded

"about what hyung?" dohyon questioned further. 

"oh you know, about oneits, i'm so happy we got to meet them, they're so kind," eunsang said in a cheerful tone. 

they were kind to let him know that he didn't deserve to be there. 

and eunsang agreed with them. 

"oh, i know right, i love them so much" 

and although eunsang knew junho didn't know exactly what he had been thinking about, it hurt.

it hurt him to know that junho agreed with the negative comments left on his pictures. 

eunsang didn't deserve to be here and now he knew it the best. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohh my baby eunsang :-((  
it hurts me to write about his suffering but i love angst so..... im sorryyy  
i'm ready to fight anyone who hurts eunsang , who's with me ??
> 
> n e ways please give me your feedback and leave your thoughts in the comments.  
thank you for reading!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey oneits !!  
x1 had their first win ajskajd im very happy and wish them the best in the future,
> 
> anyways hope you enjoy this chapter !!

eunsang hadn’t stopped thinking about the comments that were left under his posts.

no matter what he was doing those thoughts just manifested inside of his head.

he tried his best to ignore what they were saying but it was immensely difficult for him, especially when they took over every single fibre of his body.

he had read those comments several times to the point that he blindly believed what ever they said.

his thoughts were only clouded by disgust, disgust at himself and his actions.

eunsang hated how he would never be a match for any of the other members.

so his only solution was to distance himself away from them.

except it was really hard to do so.

with the other 10 members living with him in the same dorm the task wasn’t exactly easy.

eunsang would find himself crawling back to the members to run away from one of his biggest fears.

being left behind.

eunsang wished, day and night, that his members would care for him they way he cares for them.

he wished that they would love him as much as he loved him.

he had created this dialogue in his head where the members only cared for him because they had to. they only cared because this was their last chance at debut, they had to care for eunsang or everything they had been working towards in the past couple of months would just vanish before their eyes.

but in reality the dialogue eunsang created was actually far from the truth.

x1 had become a family and they all deeply cared for one another but eunsang constantly failed to see that.

and of course it had caught the attention of seungwoo.

being the eldest and the leader of x1, there wasn’t a lot that went unnoticed by him.

and so when eunsang started acting odd after that fateful day of july 19th, it raised alarm bells in seungwoo’s head.

having already been the leader of victon, he wasn’t unfamiliar with the position and he was aware of what actions to take and when they were to be taken.

so after a frustrating debate with himself, he chose to let eunsang come to him first.

seungwoo didn’t want eunsang to feel like he was poking and prodding into the latter’s life so he gave the guy some space.

he wanted the younger boy to come to him when he feels comfortable and not because he was inclined to.

but as time went on by seungwoo felt eunsang drift further apart rather than getting closer.

he had expected the other boy to come to him by now but that wasn’t happening at all.

so he took matters to his own hands.

**\- ϟ -**

it was the end of their fansign event, they had all said their goodbyes and were currently making their way off the stage.

seungwoo had been quite observant the past couple of days and noticed one thing: that every time an event had ended eunsang would shy away from his happy persona and go back to being reserved.

seungwoo didn’t have a good feeling about what was going on at all.

the eldest of them all had decided to confront the other boy and started to walk towards the dejected boy.

but before he could reach the latter dongpyo had come and attached himself to seungwoo.

“hyung, come look at what this fan gave me” dongpyo spoke.

“give me one second pyo, i’ll come find you,”

“but hyung~ can you come now? please~” dongpyo pouted, seungwoo knew he wouldn’t be able to say no to this precious child.

“ah.. okay then, take me to this gift,” seungwoo had given in to the request.

and as dongpyo pulled seungwoo away, eunsang wondered, would anyone ever care for him like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for reading this chapter ,,  
leave your thoughts and feedback in the comments below !!  
have a great day/night !


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey oneits, x1 just had their second win and i couldn't be any happier, they deserve this so much !!
> 
> n e ways ,, hope you enjoy !!

_ x1 just had their third comeback, it was amazing and they even got a couple of wins with it.  _

_ people around the globe loved every single member, every single one of them except for eunsang of course.  _

_ he had gotten the least amount of lines but he thought it was better, this way the fans could only listen to the voices that matter.  _

_ eunsang could feel that he was no longer needed by his members. _

_ he was just a mere scum on the ground that they had to step over.  _

_ so they did. _

_ it was a cold winter day when everything went down, eunsang had just arrived from school to find all the members staring at him in utter disgust.  _

_ they threw his already packed bags at him and then proceeded to shove him out of the dorm.  _

_ “leave eunsang, and never show your face here again!” all ten members shouted as they shut the door on him.  _

_ they had officially left him behind....  _

eunsang woke up in a cold sweat. 

it was only a nightmare, a very cruel nightmare. 

his members would never kick him out, right? 

no of course they wouldn’t, he had faith in them. 

eunsang looked over to the clock on the wall, it was 3:48 am and they had a schedule the next day.

eunsang needed to go back to sleep but for some reason his body didn’t allow him to do so. 

he even closed his eyes and started to count sheep but it was to no avail. 

he just couldn’t fall asleep again.. 

he looked over to his roommate, dohyun, and found an adorable site. 

the younger was still fast asleep, he had his mouth slightly open as light snores were emitted from it. 

but his eyebrows were furrowed showing signs of fear which immediately raised worries in eunsang’s mind. 

eunsang swiftly made his way out of his bed and went towards dohyun’s one. 

he sat beside the bed and slowly ran his hand through the younger’s hair. 

dohyun instantly started shifting around which made eunsang think that he would wake up but thankfully he didn’t. 

instead he leaned into eunsang’s hand showing signs of comfort.

eunsang kept on doing it until dohyun’s eyebrows were no longer furrowed and he was sure that the latter was in peace. 

eunsang stood up from beside his roommates bed and noticed that it was now 4:30 am, he hadn’t even realise the time go past. 

sleep was no longer in his system now, he felt wide awake.

so eunsang went into the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water. 

he tried to do it as quietly as possible but the sound of the water running seem to have woken someone up. 

he heard some movement in the room closest to the kitchen, he was unsure of who was awoken by the noise. 

the door to that room slightly creaked before it was opened, revealing the mysterious person. 

it was seungwoo. 

the two members stared at each other in surprise before one of the decided to speak up. 

"priki, what are you doing up this early?" seungwoo spoke in a hushed voice. 

"ah hyung, sorry for disturbing you, you should probably go to sleep again," eunsang replied. 

"eunsang, you didn't reply to my question," 

"oh right, i just couldn't fall alseep," eunsang spoke in quiet voice that seungwoo almost missed. 

"eunsang, come here for a second," seungwoo said while pulling the other boy onto the couch. 

they sat beside each other with eunsang looking down at his lap while seungwoo stared at him trying to figure what has been going in his head. 

"eunsang, every time i look at you it looks as if you're trying to fight some kind of battle on your own," seungwoo spoke as he laid a comforting hand on eunsang's shoulder. 

the younger boy could do nothing but stare at the lines on his palm, they had never seemed more interesting to him.

"honey," seungwoo used his hand to tilt eunsang's head so they were looking at each other, 

"please don't suffer on your own, if you need help reach out hmm? hyung will be sure to grab your hand okay?" 

eunsang nodded. 

maybe someone had finally started caring about him. 

they cared about his well-being. 

the road eunsang had been walking on was no longer a one way street. 

it was a road that went both ways, his love was being reciprocated.

"do you want to tell me what's wrong?" seungwoo hopefully inquired. 

"i-" eunsang was about to reply, he was about to spill everything that had been going on but something stopped him. 

he didn't know what it was but it stopped him from continuing. 

_you will never be a match for the other members._

what? 

_i can't stand the sight of him _

_someone kick him out of the group_

_i bet none of the members truly care for him _

no! 

eunsang thought at least someone cared, this couldn't be true. 

was seungwoo hyung faking it all?

_ _

eunsang looked up to stare into seungwoo's worry filled eyes but not find anything but hatred. 

oh... seungwoo was faking it all. 

"eunsang?"

"hyung, it's okay, i'm okay, there's nothing wrong, i'll always be okay," eunsang gave seungwoo the biggest smile. 

and maybe if seungwoo had questioned it further rather than letting eunsang go back to bed he could have prevented the storm that was yet to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh eunsang !! what will happen to him noww ?? 
> 
> anyways leave your thoughts and feedback in the comments below !!  
and thank you for reading !!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof flash got it's sixth win damnnn x1 roty behaviour 
> 
> n e ways hope you enjoy !!!

it had been a week since the little encounter between seungwoo and eunsang.

and seungwoo couldn't get it out of his head. 

he could still remember the look on eunsang's face, the other boy was struggling, he could clearly see it.. 

he was fighting a battle on his own with no one to look out for him. 

seungwoo wanted to be that person but with the younger's hostility towards him it had become very difficult. 

he knew eunsang didn't hate him but that was the message he was receiving. 

it confused seungwoo so much, but he couldn't do anything about it.

he just stood by eunsang's side, always looking after him in hopes that the latter would come to him.

but eunsang never came. 

**\- ϟ -**

"eunsangie~ you're the loser! you have to do the dishes now," hangyul exclaimed.

it was their day off today and they were playing games in their dorm. eunsang had obviously lost in the game and had been given the punishment. 

though eunsang didn't really mind it. he loved having time to just think about everything and nothing all at the same time. 

the black haired boy made his way over to the overflowing sink when a voice stopped him. 

"do you want me to help you 'sangie?" the leader questioned

"hyung it's fine, i don't mind"

"are you sure? i could always stay he-"

"seungwoo hyung~" hyeongjun interrupted them. 

"hang on a sec junnie!" seungwoo called out before addressing eunsang again "i can stay with you,"

"hyung, hyeongjun is calling you, i'll be fine, i like doing the dishes anyways, just go~"

seungwoo was reluctant to go but as eunsang pushed him towards the living room he realised it would be near impossible to go against the younger so he complied and left. 

eunsang moved towards the sink to do the dishes and as he picked up a bowl he had finally realised the tactics seungwoo had been using on him all this time.

he was giving him attention so the younger could stop being a brat. 

it hadn't even occurred to him that he had been taking up all the leader's attention. 

there were 9 other members that seungwoo should actually be caring for but he was stuck with him. 

eunsang didn't need help from the older, he was fine. there was nothing wrong with him. 

the singer quickly figured out that every comment left under his posts were for his benefit. 

he needed to improve, he needed to dance better and dress better and even look better. 

he had so much to overcome. 

there were so many things about him that were just too wrong, there wasn't anything right about him. 

eunsang perfectly knew that and so he made it his mission to improve himself. 

he had to improve himself to show to the fans that they shouldn't regret voting for him. 

he had to show he was worth it, even if he didn't believe it himself. 

"-sang!"

eunsang jumped in fear causing the water from the tap to splatter everywhere. 

"eunsang, your hands," seungwoo said. 

when he glanced down he saw a vibrant colour of red mask his hands. 

he only then realise he had been using the hot water from the tap. 

and he wondered why it didn't hurt him. 

he stood there staring at his hands, motionless, until seungwoo gently grabbed his hands and put them in some cold water. 

"eunsang, you should pay attention while doing the dishes hmm? your hands could have been worse if i hadn't come in-"

he did it again. 

he stole seungwoo's attention, the attention that could have been directed to dongpyo or any other member who deserved it. 

but eunsang just waltzed in and stole it.

and he hated himself for it, why did he have to be so incapable of doing such simple tasks?

he couldn't do anything right. 

eunsang ripped his hands out of seungwoo's grip and a look of hurt flashed before the elder's eyes which almost made eunsang falter but he stood his ground.

"sang, give me your hands, the cold water will help," seungwoo spoke in a calm and kind voice.

seungwoo moved forward but the younger took a large step backwards which shocked the leader. 

"don't touch me," 

"eunsang, wha-"

"don't act like you care seungwoo-ssi, i know you don't,"

seungwoo was shocked from being called -ssi that he didn't have time to react when eunsang pushed passed him and went inside his bedroom. 

it hit the elder after a while and he rushed behind the boy. 

"eunsang, open the door," seungwoo frantically banged his fists on the door. 

"baby, please let me in," 

a tear made its way down eunsang's face. 

"i know you can hear me, let me in please,"

another tear. 

"we all love you sangie, come on out"

another tear.

"we're here for you."

eunsang was sobbing at this point. 

from the other side of the door all the members had gathered and could only hear the heavy and painful breath eunsang took before he let out a series of loud cries. 

their hearts broke but they were unable to do anything with the crying boy sitting against the door on the other side. 

it was a while before the cries died down, by then seungwoo had ordered those of the maknae line to go to bed. 

dohyon had fallen asleep in seungwoo's bed due to his room being inaccessible.

seungwoo, seungyoun, and wooseok entered eunsang and dohyun's room to find the black haired boy sat against the wall, asleep. 

he had tired himself from crying that he had fallen asleep against the wall in an uncomfortable position. 

the three moved the sleeping boy's body onto his bed and only then they realised the extent of the situation. 

eunsang's hair was ruffled, his eyes were puffy and he had dry tear tracks on his cheeks. 

the site broke the eldest three's hearts. 

they all felt guilty for letting it get this far and seungwoo blamed himself the most. 

"seungwoo hyung, it isn't your fault," wooseok spoke in a whisper. 

"yeah.... but i knew all about this but i didn't do anything,"

"hyung, none of us knew what was going on in his head and we still don't know," seungyoun said, "we just have to help him out now,"

they all unanimously agreed with seungyoun's words. 

they hoped that the worst was over now and that recovery was the next step. 

with one look at the sleeping boy seungyoun and wooseok left the room to go and sleep in their respective rooms. 

seungwoo reached out to caress eunsang's face before resting it on his cheek. 

"i'll help you priki," the elder whispered into the other's ear before slipping into the younger's bed and laying beside him.

"that's my promise to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eunsang !! my baby :-((( my heart hurts for him !
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter even if it's a bit overdueee~ sorry~  
please leave your thoughts in the comments below. 
> 
> have a good day/night !


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh ,, i'm so sorry that this chapter is this late, i've legit been swamped in school work and i still have three essays to write but...  
x1 >>> school  
duhhh ajhsk
> 
> n e wayss i hope you forgive and enjoy this chapter to the fullest !

the next day eunsang woke up and found himself in his bed with the duvet cushioned around him. 

he was surprised, to say the least. 

the last thing he could remember was falling asleep against the wall opposite to him. 

he stared at the wall in confusion. 

he could almost swear that he fell asleep there. 

he must have been too tired to realise that he made it into bed, yeah that must be it. 

"what else happened last night?" eunsang quietly spoke to himself. 

he tried to remember the events of the night before. 

he could remember them having dinner, then they played a game to see who would wash the dishes and eunsang lost and then... 

oh.

he remembered. 

eunsang looked down at his hands that were no longer red and the images of last night's events **flash**ed before his eyes. 

he remembered washing the dishes, or trying to that is, and getting distracted. 

he remembered thinking about how he mustn't be a burden to the rest of the members and how he should improve on his abilities and looks. 

he remembered seungwoo stopping him, and... 

"i called him -ssi...

and he didn't do anything?" eunsang whispered in disbelief

"seungwoo hyu- ssi didn't do anything," he repeated one more time as if to put it into context.

"does he not care?" eunsang questioned himself. 

seungwoo must not care about the younger. 

"but then.. he did follow me, though it was after a while, it still counts.... right?"

eunsang just wanted the universe to reply to him and say yes or for there to be any sign that showed he was just being delusional... but nothing came.

eunsang was just left sitting there on his bed alone. 

with the only sound being the clock ticking on the wall, he finally realised the extent of his loneliness. 

none of the members cared. 

not a single one of them cared about eunsang. 

not even seungwoo. 

his seungwoo hyung didn't care about him. 

he cherished the elder so much, even idolised him but eunsang was nothing but a piece of dirt to him. 

he was just a piece of chewed gum stuck on the bottom of the member's shoes which they couldn't wait to get rid of.

they didn't want him here and yet here he was, sitting in the dorm he didn't deserve with the position that he stole. 

how could he just accept all of this when it wasn't his to begin with. 

eunsang hadn't realised he was crying until a few tear drops fell onto his palms. 

they glistened in the sunlight that was drifting in from the open window. 

they mocked him as if to say he wasn't pretty enough like them. 

he wasn't good enough. 

of course he wasn't, he was never going to be good enough for x1. 

eunsang took his sleeves over his palms and wiped his cheeks. 

he wasn't going to cry.

he had accepted his fate last night. 

eunsang knew his only destiny was to leave x1. 

he wasn't supposed to be here. 

eunsang reluctantly took the duvet off his body and put both his feet on the floor. 

the cold breeze hit him hard and it almost made him want to get back in bed. 

but he knew he couldn't because had to get this done now. 

it was now or never. 

eunsang needed to escape. 

there was no longer space for him to stay in. 

as much as he wanted to call the dorm his home, he knew he couldn't. 

the other members didn't want him here. 

seungwoo didn't want him here. 

his seungwoo hyung didn't want him here. 

eunsang didn't deserve to be apart of the maknae line, not when he isn't cute enough for the hyungs. 

he needed to get out. 

it was the best for everyone. 

**\- ϟ -**

the rest of the members had resided themselves in seungwoo's room. 

they were all sat in various positions around the room.

it was quiet, no one spoke.

they were unaware of how to bring up the situation.

it was hard for them to confront this when they were unknown to the thoughts in eunsang's head. 

"i thi-" nine pairs of eyes stared straight at wooseok. 

he cleared his throat before continuing. 

"i think seungyoun should be the one to talk to eunsang," 

they all stared at wooseok in confusion as if telling him to elaborate. 

"i mean we all know seungyoun has been through things like this before," seungyoun winced as he heard those words which were a painful reminder of his mental well-being. 

wooseok gave him a small smile as if to say sorry before continuing.

"so he understands it better than the rest of us so i think we all should lay off until seungyoun actually talks to him, plus we don't him to overwhelmed by the presence of all ten members surrounding him," wooseok reasoned. 

the rest of the members nodded in agreement. 

"seungwoo hyung can hold a group meeting after seungyoun has understood the situation and we can discuss his feelings and his thoughts, along with those of the rest of the member's," wooseok continued. 

"i guess that's a good idea," all eyes were on seungwoo now, "but i feel like, as the leader, i should be there when seungyoun talks to him, don't you think?"

"hyung, leave it to me," seungwoo stared intently at seungyoun, he didn't want to leave it but he had to hear what the younger boy had to say.

"hyung, i know you're blaming this all on yourself, but you have to trust me when i say that this isn't your fault, you don't have to try and redeem yourself from whatever you think this is because eunsang knows you will always love him, so this time leave it to me," 

seungwoo opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water before realising that what seungyoun had said was true, he should let seungyoun handle it for now and later all eleven members can have a heart to heart. 

"okay, let's do it," 

"great, mission loving eunsang hours is open," they all stared at junho in bewilderment but none the less agreed with him. 

"so, all the members, excluding seungyoun of course, will leave the dorm for today, we can go to the park....."

eunsang had looked all over the dorm for the members. 

he wanted to know where they were. 

he wanted to have one last day together before he would go to the higher ups at swing entertainment and try to get a break, which would lead them to kick him out and only then they'd finally be free of eunsang's inability of doing anything right.. 

eunsang was about to enter hangyul and seungyoun's room when he heared laughter coming from seungwoo's room. 

he slowly stepped closer to the door before coming to a stop. 

"we can go to the park..... and leave eunsang here," wooseok said which didn't come as a shock to him, he had already thought the elder hated him for taking jinhyuk's place and this only confirmed his suspicions.

eunsang wished someone would defend him, he wished they would take his side. 

that would be all to keep eunsang here, it would be his only chance of hope. 

"yeah that should set the plan in motion, that's perfect, and it would give seungyoun enough time..." 

"to go to the managers and get me kicked out?" eunsang whimpered before slapping his hand over his mouth. 

he couldn't believe that out of everyone, seungwoo would be the one to say that. 

his seungwoo hyung. 

his hyung that eunsang thought might actually like him. 

he was wrong.

of course he was wrong, who would like him anyways?

eunsang rushed back to his room. 

he found the perfect chance to leave. 

when they all left to the park to have fun without him, that's when he would leave. 

they don't want him anyway so they wouldn't care if he left without telling them.

eunsang hurriedly took his suitcase out from under his bed and got ready to start packing.

he had tears cascading down his face and his eyes became blurry but eunsang did not slow down. 

he put his clothes into the suitcase, one after the other. 

in the midst of packing eunsang heard shuffling outside his door. 

the members were getting ready to go to the park. 

they were going. 

they were leaving him behind. 

they didn't care about him. 

his seungwoo hyung is leaving him and his seungyoun hyung was going to tell the managers that they wanted eunsang out of the group. 

with the slam of the front door everything was set into reality. 

eunsang's lips quivered before loud sobs were emitted from it.

as his body fell to the ground with a thud, seungyoun came rushing in. 

"eunsang!" he exclaimed. 

eunsang hadn't realised there was someone else in the room with him, he was too busy crying his eyes out. 

seungyoun carefully stepped closer to the weeping boy in order not to startle him. 

when he got close enough, he sat on the ground next to the other boy and wrapped his arms around him. 

the younger boy fell straight into the elder's arms. 

"h-hyung, let g-go of m-me," eunsang struggled in the other's arms for a while before completely giving up when he realised he couldn't escape from his grasp. 

"hyung, y-you don't c-care about me s-so why are you d-doing this?" eunsang said in the midst of crying. 

seungyoun was taken back by his question, the younger thought he didn't care?

"eunsangie, i care, seungwoo hyung cares, we-"

eunsang had drowned out the rest of what seungyoun was saying. 

he could only think about one thing, one person to be specific. 

seungwoo. 

he wasn't here. 

the person he wanted the most to come after him wasn't here. 

maybe his seungwoo hyung didn't love him after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eunsang ,, my babyyyy :-((((  
there will be a continuation of the conversation between seungyoun and eunsang next chapter, i just didn't add it here because this chapter was already 1.6k words and i also wanted to get something out right now as i hadn't updated in over a week ,, but i'll try to get chapter 9 out soon!!
> 
> anyways, please leave your thoughts in the comments below !!!  
have a good day/afternoon/night !!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh i'm sorry you guys had to wait long for this chapter :-((  
but i hope this chapter makes up for it!
> 
> enjoy !!!

"-sang! are you listening to me?" seungyoun's voice brings eunsang back to reality. 

they were both still sitting on the floor with eunsang tightly secured in seungyoun's embrace. eunsang's arms had found their ways around seungyoun's waist and they stayed like that. seungyoun rested his chin on the younger's head and could feel like the vibrations as he spoke. 

"uh- yeah-"

"it's okay if you weren't, i know how hard everything must be for you and i'm willing to be there at every step for you, just like all the members," 

"h-hyung," eunsang hesitantly said, "i'm fine,"

seungyoun had caught onto the little stutter and didn't know what to think of it but ignored it for now, he decided to conquer one issue at a time. 

"eunsangie, it's absolutely fine not to be okay, you don't have to be happy all the time, you can be sad okay? the idol world is difficult, believe me 'cause i know it best, and there are so many things that are demanded of you, so many categories that you have to fit into but eunsang, i promise you it get's better. i think i'm living proof of that,"

seungyoun closes his eyes for a second as if to keep all those memories he kept locked away out of his mind, he didn't want to be vulnerable in a moment where he needed to be strong for his member, for his younger brother. 

"eunsang, this world is difficult and it's going to get even worse but do you know what kept me going?"

eunsang looked up at seungyoun in confusion, "what?" he managed to get out in a small, quiet voice. 

"my uniq members," seungyoun sighed in remembrance of the life he left behind.

"and now you guys," seungyoun smiles at the family he had formed. 

"every day when i wake up i realise how beautiful and amazing my family is. i have four brothers in uniq and now including you guys i have fourteen brothers in total. fourteen brothers to love and who love me. you guys have helped me to be happy even if i don't feel like smiling.

eunsang, you have ten brothers here, ten brothers who love you, who want to see you prosper, who hate to see you hurting. eunsang we are all here for you. we are not letting you fight your demons alone, we'll be there behind you to catch you when you fall-"

seungyoun stopped talking when he felt his shoulder grow wet. 

they were wet with eunsang's tears, the latter had started to cry again. 

seungyoun released eunsang from the embrace and rested his palms on eunsang's cheeks, he slowly turned the younger's face towards his own. 

as eunsang's tears fell, seungyoun could feel what the pain radiating off. 

he could feel eunsang's suffering and it broke him, they had let it go so far in hopes that their younger brother could come to them. 

they had to help. 

"eunsang, baby, you're okay now," seungyoun used his palms to wipe the other's tears off and then rested his hands on eunsang's forearm.

"i can't do this," eunsang spoke in a shaky voice. 

"what can't you do baby?"

"i don't deserve this, i don't deserve you, i don't deserve to call any of you guys hyung. i ruined everything, i can't do anything right and i'm sure seungwoo-ssi hates me for that. i mean, who would like someone like me anyways? you should just go to the park with the others, you should be spending time with people who deserve it, not with someone like me."

"eunsang, how-"

"i heard you guys when you were in seungwoo-ssi's room, i know you guys don't want me in the group but it's okay i was planning to leave anyways,"

it was only at that moment that seungyoun had a chance to look around. his eyes grew wide in surprise. eunsang's suitcase was wide open and so was his wardrobe, both had clothes spilling out for them. the bed and the floor were a mess, they had clothes all over them. the realisation of what eunsang had been doing hit seungyoun hard.

"i know you must be happy knowing i'm finally leav-"

"no!" seungyoun exclaimed. "i'm not glad,"

"of course i'm not happy, eunsang, i don't want you to leave the group, we need you here, we need you to call us hyung, you have every right to do so. eunsang you're so precious to the group and you matter. you matter more than you think. none of us have ever wanted you to feel like you didn't deserve to be here because you do. you practice so hard and you worked so hard to get to this position,

eunsang, we love you and i- we need you!" seungyoun spoke in desperation.

"do you?"

"huh?"

"do you really need me though?"

"of course eunsang, why would you sa-"

"no, you don't!" eunsang shouted which caught seungyoun off guard, he had never heard eunsang raise his voice at anyone, ever.

"you don't need me," he spoke in a quieter voice this time, "i'm not needed, i'm useless, there are better vocalists in the group than me, you don't need me. i can't do anything properly, why would you guys want someone like me? i don't deserve to be in x1,"

"and who told you that? the 'fans'? they're not real fans. the real oneits are those who accept you for who you are, who love you, who believe that you deserved the x position. the real oneits are those who accept the 11 members as it is and don't demand for changes. you are the x and you are a member of x1. you deserve to be here just like anyone else."

"how- why- nevermind"

"say it eunsang, it's important that you say what's on your mind or what's in your heart, without knowing we can't help you be better, trust me, sometimes it's better to talk to someone rather than keeping it all bottled up, so..."

"how comes everyone decided to go to the park _without me?" _ eunsang said the last bit of his question quietly, afraid of what the other would say but unfortunately for him seungyoun had heard every word the younger said. 

"they all wanted to stay and talk to you," eunsang nodded, "especially seungwoo hyung," eunsang quickly tilted his head upward to look at seungyoun but instantly regretted it when he realised how desperate he looked. 

"we just wanted to know what was going on, to know what you were dealing with but we thought you'd be overwhelmed with ten members being in the same room trying to find out so we decided it should be me who talks to you,"

"so they don't hate me?" eunsang enquired.

"no, of course not!"

"and they don't want me out of the group?" eunsang hoped seungyoun would give the same response. 

"no, everyone wants you here."

eunsang couldn't help but smile and although he had his doubts about what the older had said, eunsang could only hope that he was liked by his members. 

and that's what he could do for the next five years. 

hope to receive love from his members. 

maybe one day it'll happen. 

and eunsang would wait for that day to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well..... the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting brighter for eunsang but there's still quite a bit to go.
> 
> also i cant believe the hate the members are getting omds like instead of going against mnet and etc who are literally responsible for the voting scandal people have the audacity to attack x1 like tf ?? does that even make sense 
> 
> but anyways hope you enjoyed the chapter,  
please leave your feedback in the comments below!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! it's been a while but i hope you enjoy the chapter

seungyoun and eunsang spent an hour on the floor with little words said between them. 

they sat in silence for most of the time, just letting the situation that had just occurred settle in.

seungyoun thought deeply as to how he could help eunsang, how he was going to tell all the members what had happened so they could all take care of eunsang together. but this story and these feelings weren't his to spill, they were eunsang's. eunsang had to be the one to tell everyone what was going on in his head and seungyoun could only stand beside him giving him moral support. he didn't know how to bring this up to eunsang though. how was he supposed to tell a boy who had just been crying his eyes out that he has to speak out to the members when that was something he himself struggled with? it took seungyoun years to talk to his uniq members and then to the public so how could he ask that of-

"hyung," eunsang's hoarse voice snapped him out of his thoughts,"i can literally hear the gears in your head whirring, what are you thinking about?"

seungyoun hesitated before answering. 

"eunsang," the said boy who previously had his head rested on the elder's shoulder looked up and stared at him urging him to go on, "i-i think you should tell the members,"

upon hearing those words a look of horror flashed across eunsang's eyes, it was gone in a flash but seungyoun had caught on so he rested his hands onto eunsang's cheeks. 

"they'll listen to what you have to say,"

"no! i can't!" eunsang frantically shook his head, "i can't, they can't know, they'll hate me, they will actually hate me, i can't have that happen,"

seungyoun thought they had been making progress, just an hour ago eunsang had been smiling and talking excitedly about how his members didn't hate him and still wanted him in the group. it was as if the last few hours hadn't even happened but seungyoun couldn't blame it on eunsang, his mental state was fragile right now. all seungyoun could do was try his best to make eunsang see all the love and support he was receiving. 

"they won't hate you, you did nothing wrong, you had a right to feel that way and we, as your members and your brothers, should have interfered sooner but we didn't and you nearly left the group, i can't let that happen again eunsang, we need you in this group, you're a vital part of it, we love you, none of us hate you,"

"what if they do actually hate me though? i mean... who wouldn't right?"

"me, eunsang. the participants on produce x 101, your friends from brand new music, your family, the real oneits and... us. that's who would never hate you eunsang, i mean who could? who could ever hate your amazing and bubbly personality, or the sound you make when you laugh, or the way you slowly blink? oh and don't get me started on your voice, who could hate on that? you are wonderful eunsang. you are worth every single minute i spend with you, you are worth my time, eunsang we all love you," seungyoun could continue on forever but he was stopped by a whimper. 

"oh honey, why are you crying?" 

"i- i'm- it's just that, no one's ever said that to me, no one has ever took time out of their day to tell me that i matter but here you are telling me exactly that. i don't know what to say, i-" 

"eunsangie, you don't have to say anything, you deserve to be told you matter every single day because you do and that is the simple truth," 

eunsang looked up at seungyoun and smiled at him, it was a real smile and seungyoun could see that. he teared up at the fact that this was the most genuine smile he had seen radiating from eunsang since their debut. 

"i'll try to tell them hyung,"

seungyoun smiled back at the younger, "i'm so proud of you 'sangie, you're doing well,"

"but hyung..."

"yeah..?"

"i'm so tired right now, do you think i could lie down in your room... if that's no trouble that is," eunsang looked down as he fiddled with his fingers. 

"i'd say of course but it's kind of a mess so you can go lie down in seungwoo hyung's room,"

"but- okay, i'll go," eunsang stood up from his place and was about to head towards the door when he was stopped by seungyoun grabbing his hand. eunsang turned around to face the older boy who had also stood up, "continue your sentence eunsang,"

"it's not that important anyway, i'll just go," however, before he could go seungyoun placed his hands on eunsang's shoulders holding him securely in place.

"eunsang~" seungyoun gave him a pointed look, "come on, tell mee!"

"okay, but promise me you wont laugh at me?"

"i promise, sangie"

"i just wondered if, you know, if you could like liedownwithme," eunsang rushed out the last bit of his sentence but of course seungyoun caught on and did exactly what he promised not to do. 

"you're so cute, oh my days," seungyoun ruffled eunsang's hair before pulling him into a hug, "of course i will, lets head to bed," seungyoun said before marching to seungwoo's room and pulling the younger with me, 

"wait- i have to clean my room first," seungyoun abruptly stopped and turned around which caused eunsang to bump into the '96 liner's chest before he took a few steps back, "don't worry about it, i'll clean it later, we have to get the baby tucked into bed first."

the statement caused eunsang to go red in the face with embarrassment, at which seungyoun cooed at and then proceeded to pinch his cheeks before continuing on in their journey towards seungwoo's room. 

they both got into bed and seungyoun wrapped his arms around the younger's body with eunsang's head tucked under his chin. anyone looking in would think their position was very uncomfortable but to eunsang it was the most comfortable thing ever. he felt safe in his hyung's arms and he never wanted to feel any other way. 

once seungyoun heard slow and heavy breaths coming from the boy beside him he slowly untangled himself from said boy and quietly exited the room. 

seungyoun walked across the hallway towards eunsang and dohyon's room. 

upon entering the room he saw that dohyon's side of the room had a neatly made bed with a couple of clothes on top of it while eunsang's one was in a complete mess. 

seungyoun made his way over to eunsang's bed and sat down where there weren't any clothes and looked around him. he couldn't believe that it had gotten to the point where eunsang even considered leaving the group, he considered giving up the only dream he has ever had and with that the chance to achieve that dream would be gone as well. it must have gotten really bad for the younger boy, he couldn't even imagine the things he might have been going through. it hurt seungyoun to know one of his younger brothers was basically calling out for help and no one noticed. 

he knew it wasn't his fault but he couldn't help but think he could have done more. how everything could be different right now but it turned out like this instead. eunsang didn't deserve to go through any of this, especially not alone. 

seungyoun picked up a blue t-shirt and realised that it was the one eunsang had worn on their second ever vlive as x1, he smiled at the memories of all the chaotic moments in that live. they had played a game and decided on the seats on the bus, it was so fun. seungyoun could remember the smiles on eunsang's face but now he knew that he had faked it all and that hurt. 

eunsang had been suffering so much, from the start but they were only finding it out now.

seungyoun had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't realised that the rest of the members walk back into the dorms. 

**\- ϟ -**

the dorm was silent when the members walked in. 

nothing could be heard which was worrying. 

they were scared as to what could have gone down. 

seungwoo led the group further into the dorm when he looked into a room and saw seungyoun sitting on the edge of eunsang's bed. 

"oh my!" seungwoo exclaimed which caused the rest of the members to walk into the room with a look of shock on their faces. 

"what happened in here hyung?" junho asked. 

"better yet, where's eunsang? oh my days, did he leave?" seungwoo desperately asked. 

"hyung, calm down, i took him to your room to sleep because his room is clearly in a mess, as you can see," seungyoun spoke in a delicate voice. 

"what happened in here then?" junho asked again. 

"he wanted to leave," seungyoun had said it quietly but the impact was massive. "he was going to leave the dorm... and the group..." everyone kept quiet. 

"eunsang was crying uncontrollably when he heard everyone leave because he thought we were going to get him kicked out of the group,"

"di-did he say why?" seungwoo tried to hide the fact he was crying but it became obvious. no one questioned it though, they were all feeling the same emotions. 

"that's not for me to say, it's his story to tell, i'm sorry guys but we'll have to wait," seungyoun looked at each member before looking back down again. 

"okay," seungwoo nodded, "we just wait until he wakes up, in the meantime let's tidy up for eunsang,"

all the members unanimously agree with their leader and started cleaning up. 

they would do anything to make one of their brothers feel better. 

anyone looking in would be able to see how tight knit this group had gotten in a short amount of time.

they were a family, and they'd be one until the end of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so much improvement for eunsang, yay!! the next chapter might be the last one, i haven't decided it yet oops. 
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoyed reading and please leave any thoughts down below!!  
thank you for reading !!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter :-(((  
but it has 3.5k words as a goodbye gift to you guys 
> 
> hope you enjoy :-))

it was 7 pm when eunsang finally woke up. 

after sleeping for 4 hours eunsang felt more refreshed but he was dreading what was yet to come.

deep down, he knew that he shouldn't be scared, that he shouldn't be worried about the members hating him, that he should tell them the bad and sad thoughts that constantly went through his mind. he should do it but for some reason he couldn't. 

eunsang couldn't bare to go through the pain all over again, he didn't want to sit on the couch telling his story with all of the member's eyes on him, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to see the look on their faces just in case it was one of disgust. even if his seungyoun hyung had told him that none of the members actually hated him, eunsang couldn't help but think that that was exactly what would happen.

eunsang just wanted to be loved, he wanted his hyungs and his friends to love him, not hate him. but what if they started looking at him differently after he told them everything? he didn't want them to do that. he just wanted to be cared for, not pitied upon. 

eunsang had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't heard his name being called from the living room. he could only hear the sound of his own self destructive thoughts, that was until he saw the door open from the corner of his eye. after which he quickly shut his eyes. 

he didn't want to face anyone right now, if only he could go back to sleep then he wouldn't even have to pretend to sleep. 

but despite those thoughts, eunsang secretly wished that it was his seungwoo hyung, the one he looked up to so much, who had come to wake him up from his slumber but alas his wishes weren't answered. 

seungyoun slowly made his way over to the bed and took a seat next to eunsang and slowly ran his fingers through the younger boys hair making sure to slightly graze his nails along his scalp to provide a feeling of calmness. 

"eunsang," seungyoun softly whispered, "let's wake up now,"

seungyoun was well aware that the other boy was faking sleep but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him continue with what he was doing. 

"sangie, you need to have dinner, you haven’t had anything since last night and that definitely is not good for you, come on sweetheart let's wake up,” as if on cue eunsang’s stomach began rumbling, demanding for some food. 

seungyoun laughed at the sound as it reached his ear and lightly pushed the younger’s shoulder. 

eunsang slowly opened his eyes and smiled sheepishly at seungyoun, his face was red from embarrassment and seungyoun couldn't help but smile back at the other boy. 

“that was very cute sangie~” eunsang took the duvet and covered his face, no longer being able to look at his hyung’s face. 

“eunsang~” seungyoun whined before attempting to pull down the duvet, at which he failed to do so. 

“let me see that cute face of yours…!” 

“no hyung! i’m embarrassed..” eunsang softly whispered. 

“well don’t be, it’s just me eunsang, i love you and your red cheeks,” this caused eunsang to gradually lower the covers and stare right into his hyung’s eyes. 

“i love you too hyung,” eunsang grinned at seungyoun who returned the expression. their little moment was unexpectedly broken when eunsang’s stomach started rumbling again, even louder this time. 

“Let’s get some food inside of you so your body can stop complaining,” seungyoun laughed before proceeding to take the covers off of the 02 liner’s body and then helping him get out of bed. 

seungyoun made his way over to the door and was about to leave when he was stopped by a tug on his shirt. when he turned around he found the shorter boy looking down at his fingers and playing with the frayed ends of his sweater. he looked like a small child who had just lost his mother in the supermarket and didn’t know what to do. 

“what’s up sangie?” seungyoun walked over to the other boy and put his arm around his shoulder, “tell me what’s on your mind?” 

“i- i’m scared hyung,” eunsang wasn’t sure if seungyoun heard him because he was met with silence. he hoped the other didn’t hear as he would get embarrassed for the umpteenth time that day.

“it’s okay sang, i’m here for you,” seungyoun finally broke the silence. 

“promise?” 

“i promise.”

and with that assurance the two boys left seungwoo’s room and headed in the direction of the dining table. 

when they were in close proximity of the other members, they all whipped their heads to look at the two boys which made eunsang slightly insecure about himself. 

_ they know... _

_ they might hate me… _

eunsang looked away when his thoughts became too loud to handle. 

“eunsang, come sit down, let’s start eating,” wooseok spoke, breaking the silence. 

eunsang looked at seungyoun who gave him a nod before he made his way over to his usual seat. as soon as he sat down with a bowl of rice and a variety of dishes in front of him all conversations resumed. 

it seemed normal, like nothing had happened, like eunsang hadn’t just tried to leave. eunsang could get use to the normality of life in the dorms, where he finally mattered and was included in the conversations. 

he could get used to this. 

  
  


**\- ϟ -**

  


after finishing his dinner, eunsang walked into his room to find it clean. there weren’t any clothes lying estranged on the bed or the floor. his suitcase was nowhere in sight, probably hidden under his bed where it resided before. 

“hyung,” a voice called which startled eunsang. 

he quickly turned around to find the maknae of the group standing in the door frame. 

“hyung, can i sleep with you tonight?”

eunsang nodded his head in agreement and they both made their way over to eunsang’s bed. the elder boy got into bed first and dohyon followed behind him. despite being nearly the same height dohyon had managed to snuggle into eunsang’s side and make himself seem smaller. 

“i’m glad you’re here hyung.” dohyon whispered into the night hoping his elder brother had heard. 

no other sentence had to be exchanged between them for eunsang to receive the message that he would forever be loved and appreciated by the younger boy. 

they found comfort in each other’s arms and both slept peacefully unbothered by anything happening around them.

seungwoo walked into the room wanting to talk to eunsang but instead found a lovely sight of the two boys sleeping together which warmed his heart. he left a soft kiss on both of the boy's forehead before turning around and leaving the room. seungwoo shut their door, making sure he didn’t make any noise. he would have to speak to eunsang tomorrow. 

  


**\- ϟ -**

  


it was the next day when eunsang decided he would talk to his 02 buddies. they deserved to know anything and everything that had happened. 

eunsang had just gotten off the phone with his brand new music friends and told them what had gone down. they had comforted him and promised to find time out of their busy schedule to come meet him. 

eunsang made his way over to hyeongjun, minhee and junho’s room where all of them, including dongpyo, were playing a game. 

it would be an understatement to say that eunsang was scared. he was, in fact, terrified. he was about to confront his friends, they were the same age as him, not younger or older, they had confided in each other the deepest secrets and thoughts of their minds. eunsang had always listened. he never really said anything, he listened to the rest of his buddies open their hearts and all he did was comfort them, he had never, not even once, took that same advice for himself. you could say eunsang was a hypocrite in that sense; he never took the advice he gave out. 

when eunsang reached the bedroom door he stopped and stood there for a minute or so, he had to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to say and the possible reactions he could receive from it. they would either understand what he did or they would never want to talk to him ever again, eunsang definitely didn’t want the second option to come true. they were his good friends and he didn’t want to lose that. 

finally eunsang built up the courage and pushed open the slightly ajar door. all heads turned to focus on him. he found an empty space on the bed in the middle of the four boys and it looked as if they were waiting for him to come. 

“come sit sang,” junho spoke first while patting the space next to him. eunsang nodded before walking over and sitting down, he took a deep breath inwards looking at each member’s face before exhaling and looking down at his fingers. eunsang had developed a habit of picking at his nails every time he was nervous or anxious and that was exactly what he was doing. 

a hand was placed on top of eunsang’s ones preventing him from further damaging his fingernails. when he looked up to see whose hand it was he found minhee looking back at him with a smile on his face. 

“that isn’t good for your nails, you’ll end up bleeding,” minhee advised the other boy who gave a hum of agreement. 

unable to endure the awkward atmosphere eunsang spoke up. 

“i’m sorry guys,” 

“why are you sorry sangie?” junho enquired, “there’s nothing you should be sorry about,” all the other boys nodded in approval of what junho had said.

“it’s just- i’ve been so selfish, i didn’t think about how my actions could be affecting any of you and i even made everyone worry about me when there’s other things you guys should be worrying about-” eunsang was about to continue but was stopped by dongpyo.

“eunsang, there isn’t anything more important than the wellbeing of our members, you deserve someone who worries about you, we worried about you because we care about you,”

“and,” this time it was hyeongjun speaking, “we love you, we love everything about you, we may joke around a lot but one thing will never ever change, and that is our love for each other.”

“we’re never going to leave you behind,” minhee spoke, “you are stuck with us for the rest of your life and we will always be by your side no matter how hard it gets.”

“dongpyo, hyeongjun and minhee are right, do you know how scared i was when my best friend stopped talking to me?” junho asked, “this dream is ours, we promised to debut together and to face these hardships together, we fulfilled one half of our agreement but the other half is still void-”

“but i can’t do that, i can’t bother any of you guys-”

“i really do mean it when i say this, i want you to bother me or us, bother me with any thought that comes into your head, even if it’s in the middle of the night, i will always listen to you and not because i’m the robot cha junho, but because i’m your best friend and you’re mine,” eunsang smiled at junho before responding to what he said. 

“yeah you’re definitely not a robot, you eat all my food,” that statement caused the five boys to burst out in laughter. 

the sound of their laughter could be heard from all corners of the dorm, and when this sound reached yohan’s ears he couldn’t help but smile, he hadn’t heard this sound for a while now, he could feel the dorm revitalise itself at the sound of eunsang’s laughter. yohan knew that they had made the right decision, he finally got his little brother back.

**\- ϟ -**

it was later that day when eunsang decided he had to talk to the rest of the members. the 02 liners and dohyon had helped him prepare himself mentally for what he would say, the support they had given was enough to fuel his desire to go and speak to them. 

eunsang looked in all the rooms till he figured out that all of his hyungs were in wooseok’s rooms, the shouts massively giving it away. 

he made his way over to the room and knocked on the door three times. as soon as he did that all of the noise ceased to exist and a muffled ‘come in’ could be heard. 

eunsang took a deep breath, feeling the oxygen fill up his lungs and then exhaled as if to let all his worries go. he could do this. 

the sight eunsang found when he opened the door was weird, to say the least. yohan and seungyoun were on the floor huffing while wooseok and hangyul were hidden in the mess of the covers. eunsang had no interest in finding out what happened because it’ll probably even weirder than what he saw before him. 

when it dawned upon them who was standing in the door frame, all four boys had situated themselves on the bed, leaving an empty space in between them, just like how his other members had done. eunsang took that an invitation and went and sat down between them. 

“where’s seungwoo hyung?” eunsang’s curiosity got the best of him. 

“he went to talk to the manager, something about our new comeback,” hangyul responded. 

“comeback? but we had one just a few weeks ago,” 

“yeah, don’t worry about it though eunsang, we’ve got each other, we can overcome the stress,” hangyul continued. 

eunsang could only nod, he didn’t know how to bring up the situation at hand. he looked to seungyoun for guidance who just looked at him in a manner that seemed to say ‘just go for it’.

“hyung,” everyone looked at him. 

“yeah,” they collectively said. 

“i- yesterda- actually.. um.. i-”

“eunsang, i know how hard this must be for you but we will always be here for you, i promise you that from the bottom of my heart, you can hold me to account for that, hmm?” yohan reassured. 

“for the past few weeks, i’ve been feeling like i don’t deserve to be here, that x1 wasn’t meant for me and that i wasn’t needed here, that jinhyuk hyung would have been a better addition, i know wooseok hyung must want that,” eunsang had said the last bit of his sentence so quietly that they nearly missed it. 

“no honey,” wooseok said in a soft tone, “you deserve to be here, i admit that when the lineup was announced i was disappointed that jinhyuk couldn’t be here with me, but not one second did i wish that he should replace you. you are so talented and the x position was made to be held by you, that x was yours and forever will be yours no matter what anyone says,” wooseok’s words held so much sincerity in them and eunsang could feel that radiating off of it, he couldn’t help but believe what his hyung was saying, he deserved to be here. 

“we love you eunsang, we love every part of you, and oh my, your voice, eunsang, it’s amazing and it goes so well with the rest of the members. that clearly shows you were made to be with us,” eunsang smiled at his hyungs, his eyes were filled with tears, he was being accepted and not shunned away like he had feared. 

seungyoun pulled eunsang into his arms and all the others had joined. they had their arms wrapped around one another as if to protect their little brother from all the harsh words that the world threw at him, they would never let it hit the boy again. 

they’d protect him at all costs. 

**\- ϟ -**

eunsang laid in bed waiting for seungwoo to get home. he didn’t want to wait another day to tell him, he just wanted to get it done with. 

as soon as he heard the door open, he let twenty minutes pass by, before he made his way over to seungwoo’s room. when he made it there he found his hyung was already in bed. eunsang knocked on the door and then opened it.

“can i sleep with you tonight hyung?” 

seungwoo, without responding, lifted up his duvet signalling eunsang to come and take the spot. the other boy swiftly walked towards the bed and then slid under the covers. he situated himself so his eyes were levelled with his hyungs. seungwoo put his arm over eunsang’s waist and smiled at the boy. 

“i missed you sang, i really did,” 

“i missed you too hyung,” 

“do you want to talk?” seungwoo asked to which eunsang nodded and then the room fell into a comfortable silence while the younger boy thought about what to say. 

“hyung, i saw the comments left under my posts, they didn’t want me here and… i agreed with them. i didn’t think i deserved my placed here, there was no way that i would fit in, not here where everyone is so much more talented and i’m just me,” 

“and you’re talented, that’s it, you are. every time i hear you sing i get shivers, you are such an amazing singer and you have such a unique voice that i love so much. eunsang, you are so much more than all those comments left under your posts, those aren’t real oneits.”

“yeah... i’m trying to believe that but sometimes i can’t, even if that’s what people tell me, i can’t help but think they’re lying,” 

“eunsang, it’ll take time to get better, it’ll take a while but i want to tell you that you’re doing a great job, you’re trying and that’s all that matters.” seungwoo rested his hand on eunsang’s cheek, caressing it slightly with his thumb. “hey, can i ask you something?”

“yeah hyung, what is it?”

“that day, near the sink, why’d you address me as -ssi and not hyung,” seungwoo had struck close to home with that question, eunsang would have to spill his guts. 

“i didn’t think i deserved to call you hyung,” the younger boy softly whispered into the darkness, “i didn’t think you- or anyone- cared about me, that no one loved me so i shouldn’t get the right to call you hyung, everyone else has that right, but not me,”

“do you believe that, sang?”

“i- not always,” eunsang hesitated before continuing, “sometimes i feel like that i can call you hyung because you care but other days, it’s worse, i feel like no one cares and it wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t part of x1, everything would still go on,” eunsang felt so exposed by spilling the thoughts that were hidden deep inside his mind. 

“eunsang, you deserve to call me and the other boys hyung, that’s your right and will forever be your right.”

“thank you hyung,”

“eunsang you don’t need to thank me, i’m here for you and i will always be. i’ll never let go of your hand, i will always be there beside you no matter what happens. i’ll be the shoulder for you to cry on, you don’t have to worry, i’m not going anywhere, even in years to come, i’ll always be here for you. take each day at a time and you’ll get to your destination, okay?”

eunsang nodded before snuggling closer to seungwoo who rested his chin on the crown of eunsang’s head and tightened his grip on the other’s body. 

“goodnight honey, you can rest now, i’ll be here when you wake up.”

with that, both boys fell into a deep slumber. 

recovery wasn’t easy for eunsang, there were many bad days, the days where he didn’t want to leave his bed, the days where he didn’t talk to anyone, and the worst days where those where he would lock himself in his room and cry himself to sleep, those days the members felt useless because they could only stand back waiting and hoping for eunsang to come around soon. but along with those bad days came a lot of good days, the days where you could hear eunsang’s laugh from miles away, the days where he couldn’t stop from constantly talking, the members cherished those days because they could be over as quick as soon as they came. 

whatever happened, the members were always by his side helping him, never letting eunsang feel alone, not even for a moment. all the members would even go with eunsang to his meetings with his psychiatrist, although none of them were even allowed into the room. 

they showed their support and their love in the smallest ways, like ordering his favourite meal or doing the laundry when it was his turn to do it. 

eunsang was loved and appreciated, anyone could see that clearly and even eunsang was started to believe that. 

for eunsang, the dark day was slowly lighting up.

\----

click [here ](https://twitter.com/haksdiamond) for my twitter 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there it is !! its over now  
i'm gonna definitely miss writing this book and reading all your comments :-(((  
i might end up writing a new book but who knows? 
> 
> follow me on twitter @haksdiamond and come say hi :-)
> 
> thank you for reading and byeee !!


	12. #WeTrustX1

**hey guys, ** its been a while. 

I don't know how many of you guys will read this but I just had to say something. Part of me is mad, part of me is sad and part of me just wants to be told that this was just a sick joke, and that none of this was real but sadly, it is the truth. 

X1 are no longer together. 

They went through _**so much**_and they fought so many battles, from the day the lineup was released to today, they have gone through an immense amount of hardships that no one at their young age should even go through. I thought since the voting scandal was technically over and X1 were found to be innocent boys who got trapped in this mess, like we all knew from the start, that we'd finally be getting content from them and then when on the 30th of December it got announced that their activities would resume I was so damn happy. I had been waiting for this day and I really thought that 2020 was going to be a much better year for us, yet somehow it didn't turn out like that. 

I'd also like to say a big fat fuck you to all the people who wished disbandment upon X1, though despite saying that I would never wish something like this upon any other fandom or group. It's absolutely the worst thing and I think all oneits out there can testify to that. Some one on Twitter said that X1 carried the burdens of all four produce seasons and that really hit, I never wanted this for them.

I've cried all my tears and the next few days are definitely going to be the worse, I can't even imagine how our boys must be feeling, like some of them clearly had no clue this was going to happen. We should try and be strong for our 11 boys and no matter what happens we should continue to support them in whatever direction they go. 

We've also gone through so much as a fandom but let's always stick together as oneits. 

And if any of you need to talk or need someone to just be there for you then feel free to dm me on twitter by clicking [here](https://twitter.com/haksdiamond) and i'll be your someone.

stay strong and take a break if you need to. 

from one oneit to another. 


End file.
